only me

so i've had this blog in the back of my mind all week but every time i think about logging on to write it i tell myself "self, you don't need to come off as the bitchy hormonal pregnant girl crying woa is me when your life is truly blessed!". that was up until approximately 4 minutes ago when the ultimate, the icing on the cake - or should i say the crap in the diaper just happened....

but let me get you warmed up first....

my belly is huge. i know you all think i'm exaggerating when i refer to myself as big momma, and i am in a way, but now i have proof. my belly was measured on friday and should have been 33cm and it was 39cm. in other words i have the belly of (fast forward a week) a 40 week pregnant woman and i'm only 34 weeks....yes i have 6 weeks left to carry mega baby. so they are doing an ultrasound next wednesday to see how big mega baby really is....and hopefully there is just one!

with that said, it goes unsaid, that i'm uncomfortable....but thats not funny material so let's move on.....with that said, i am down to only a few pairs of pants that fit and a few shirts that are long enough to cover mega baby belly. i'm not purchasing anymore momma clothes, i refuse. in fact i've already happily shipped off all of my too small momma clothes to my cousin in chicago who is expecting in february because this is my last, i repeat, my LAST time being pregnant. if we choose to have more children, which i highly doubt, we are going the brangelina route and adopting!

the few clothes i do have are precious....they need to last 6 weeks...and then they will either be burned or donated! one such garment is a pair of black linen pants from mother of all overpriced cheap clothing hood maternity, that are deliciously comfortable....and yes i had every intention of sporting linen through november with my hot (as in temperature) ass. "had" being the operative word which leads me to the events of october 7th, 2008. the beauty of the pants was that they didn't have to be dry cleaned. i had washed and dried the little lovlies last weekend where they sat until my lazy self got down to the basement (translation until i had nothing clean left to wear the next day) to fetch them tuesday night. bryan was traveling so the little missy and i made the adventure downstairs. i plugged in my trusty iron, took the black beauties out and began to steam away. i noticed midway through the first side of the first leg that the steam had ceased and yet there was still plenty of water inside. in that same moment i noticed out of the corner of my eye little sparks coming out of the base of the chord. fantastic! so the chord was only half attached and i would have to carefully line it back up, spark spark, and back to slow motion ironing while keeping gabby away (which is a full time job in itself). I painfully get to the second leg when time stops and my vision zooms into the crotch like a paparazzi's camera on britney spears. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" I said to myself in a slow motion deep voice that sounded like the incredible hulk.......there was a huge hole in the crotch!!!! the horror, the tragedy, ohhhhh the pain!! not the pain of financial loss, got them on the sale rack for $14.99....not the pain of embarrassment because i had obviously walked around work the week prior with a hole in my crotch that people were probably too scared to tell me about. but the pain of one less garment to comfortably wear for 6 weeks! once i got myself out of the fetal position on the cold basement floor with my thumb in my mouth (i kid i kid) i got myself together and quickly washed my trusty khakis.

now i'm forced to wear d-d-d-dresses.....it pains me to even type that word...i HATE wearing dresses....i'm no tomboy, i actually loooove fashion and shopping, but i just don't feel myself in dresses unless i'm going to a wedding or something. but they are comfortable and don't require 1,349 waist adjustments a day so i'll just be the hot air balloon in a dress at least once a week for the next 45 days (hopefully less).

there, that took entirely way too long to say but you can see why i felt no justification in blogging about it. i could add other weekly follies like finally spending the time to put tons of new music on my ipod and when i plug my ipod in at work it's not there.......or almost stepping on a dead mole when putting my dog out in the morning......or i could really put it all out there and talk about the joys of hemorrhoids.....but again, way too hormonal and bitchy and annoying.

but now we're back to the reason i am truly a victim and can blog about it. one of my favorite shows is back on - dirty sexy money. love that show! love the music, the cast, the photography, the makeup, the fashion, the humor and the drama. i finally watched last week's episode on dvr last night after my husband kindly reminded me that i ruined his life by forgetting to record it this past wednesday while he was traveling. it was a great episode and lucy liu made her debut. i love her, she's on my top 10 list of most beautiful women and i love the characters she's played in the past and i think i'm going to like this one. so now i've got my dirty sexy itch on and was feenin for the episode i forgot to tape. i did not watch it online at work this morning, no not me! ok i did, but i'm a great multitasker and was able to do other things at the same time so don't judge me...it's friday and i can barely reach the keyboard for goodness sake! i'm watching, i'm emailing, i'm working on a spreadsheet, i'm taking calls, i'm watching, etc. i'm about half way through the episode when i finally hear lucy's character's name for the first time and i froze.....did they just say what i think they said?!? so i rewinded a few times and i couldn't tell if it started with an "l" or an "n".....no it couldn't be the name that i so carefully picked for my unborn daughter that i've never known anyone else to have......so i had to get on abc.com and search the character bios and there in front of me under her gorgeous picture it read "Nola Lyons".....NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, i screamed silently in an even deeper voice than the incredible hulk but i can't think of any examples except the world's tallest woman who you all might not know (she was a celebrity in indiana). that's my baby's name! that's the name my hubby and i were so proud of! so for the record, mega baby's name is Nola Simone and I THOUGHT OF IT FIRST ABC!!!!! thank goodness i didn't respect my husbands wishes and keep it a secret! at least i have witnesses! but now of course when i'm on maternity leave and shopping at nordstrom and getting a strawberry banana ice storm in the cafe and some trendy gay man asks what my baby's name is and i tell him Nola, he'll say "oh like from dirty sexy money!"....so my beautiful little innocent angel will already be compared to the words dirty, sexy and money.....ok so maybe i kind of like that part in a dirty kind of way. tee hee. i guess at least the transsexual on the show isn't named Nola, not that i have anything against transsexuals but come on, dirty sexy and money are enough...throw transsexual into the mix and my kid will need therapy by the age of 2 months!

the end.